Lasers, as a sci-fi staple they're up there with aliens, eternal night, robots sent from the future and Lance Henriksen, so it's good news to sci-fi fans to hear that a laser weapon is ever nearer. Hoorah! More weapons to eradicate our fellow man, just what we need in this current climate of fear, blame-mongering, hatred and contempt!

While lasers are something straight out of popular sci-fi, I think the world is edging ever closer to a sci-fi akin to that of Philip K Dick. If there's ever been a paranoid drug fiend, he's your man. He deals with the blurring line between the real and imagined, constantly confusing the reader with multiple realities, dead-ends that look like answers, cruel jokes, non-linear timelines and highly elusive conclusions. His characters are swathed in an eerie despondency, a hopelessness, a restless unease, a feeling of being trapped eternally in a mirror house of confusion and falsehood. That, I think, is closer to the realities we face each day.

But anyway, don't let that grind you down, lasers are cool! Imagine a laser this powerful in one of those laser toys for cats. Here kitty, kitty, here kit- ZIMP! MEOW!! Where'd kitty go? And where'd all this fur come from?

We all think cats are cute balls of fluffy fun, but there's also something sinister about them. Sometimes you occasionally glance over at them, and you catch them glaring at you, it's not the look an affectionate pet gives their master, but a steely cold look of merciless hatred and repugnance. The look a murdered child's mother gives the killer when he gets off with manslaughter - there's something untoward in that glance, something unsettling. Like the cat is exacting revenge right there in its little fur-lined skull.

Call me paranoid, call me deluded, call me irresponsible, heck you can even call me unreliable but I'm onto something here, I've been onto it for some time, all I needed was the slightest hint of validation and I've found it.

Now we've established that cats are the spawn of the unholy armies of Lucifer and are all out to massacre our families while we sleep, you need to know the tell tail (!) signs, and just what are those? Is it a destruction of feral alley cats staking out your house, maliciously tapping baseball bats on their paws - the bats themselves strewn with matted human hair, congealed blood and skull fragments? Is it a pride of lions constantly cruising by your house in a pimped-up Chevrolet Camaro, shooting you the evil eye, then pointing at you and making a slicing motion across their throats?

No, that would just be too easy; they're far more mundane, far more ordinary, so check out this list and be afraid. Get your cat, before it gets you...